Homage to the Olympics

First - dang

some of that shit is pretty cool, there is no way I would jump from the super high dive (I'm pretty sure that's what it's called). 

Second, some of that shit needs to be considered a hobby, not an Olympic sport. Seriously, I love badmiton as much as anyone, and I know the birdie flies more than 120 mph, but that shit is a game people play in backyards at birthdays and bbq's. 

Also, fuck fencing as a sport. It's not much more of a sport than freeze tag.

So, now we have.

Riley's improvements to the Olympics.

First, that shit is too long. I'm saying cut it back to a long weekend tops.

Second, new sports - for example. The Grocery Bag Carry - back in my NYC days, I would never buy groceries, not because I didn't want to eat, but because I live at the top of a five story walk up. So the sport is a competitor has to jump down five flights of stairs, sprint to the store (we'll say three blocks) sprint back with at least six full bags of heavy shit (gallon of gin, bag of limes, case of beer, and maybe some food or some shit) then leap up said stairs with out having the bags break. First one up wins.

Other new sport, Pretending to care. In this event a panel of judges will see how convincing someone is while listening to a series of stories that they have no interest in. Ex. a lecture on the cinematic treatment of Portuguese dental work in the 1940's, or for women, a exposition on the difference between muscle cars pre-catylitic converters and post-catalytic converters. For men, why some shoes go with certain outfits, but not with seemingly identical other outfits.

Lastly, no more fucking talking between sports. I hate that shit. "So, tell us why you decided to be an Olympic skuller." Boring.

 ps - at the end, a whole series of Olympic low lights - runners falling, people getting stuck with the javelin, a shot put falling on someone's toe, et. al.

you're welcome mister head of the Olympics dude