Rico Amore Presents

ToMas, only because I said I would - not because I'm gloating or that I think it will ever happen again. It was shaping up to be a great day anyway. I was done with school for the week; I got home and the dogs weren't exploded so I let them out. I felt good about the prospect of playing a little December tennis since it was almost 60 degrees and sunny at 3:30. My playing partner is a nut for tennis like I am for golf. Hours spent discussing the nuances of the trajectories of spheres constitutes a temporary heaven. He is much a better player than I am; he has hit more balls and taken more lessons than I ever have. He is the coach of both tennis teams at a large high school, so he was obviously looking forward to kicking my ass up and down the court. The first glimmer of hope came when I held my serve leveling the score to one-one. Then I broke, 2-1, then I held again, 3-1, he held, 3-2, I broke again, 4-2, held again, 5-2, he held, 5-3 and I had a chance to serve out for the win

The following story features a guy who beats his kid for not playing video games. You can't make this up - but you can post you best jokes about the kid or the loser.

This is a real "cut-and-paste" from my hometown newspaper. I should also tell you that Mr. W. Squires is a former student of mine. I should have spent more time on eluding and less time on elucidating, and perhaps he would have had his schnapps (he clearly doesn't know what he could have had with a little red wine and coke). CRIME BEAT Dad suspected of beating son, 7, for refusing to play video game By PATRICK MALONE and NICK BONHAMTHE PUEBLO CHIEFTAIN A Pueblo father is in jail for allegedly beating his 7-year-old son with a belt for refusing to play a video game with him. Markus Ellsworth French, 27, was arrested Monday on suspicion of intimidating a victim or witness, domestic violence, two counts of child abuse and menacing with a deadly weapon. Last week, personnel at French's son's school and a school resource officer questioned the boy about bruises on his legs and chest. The boy said he had run into a branch at a park, according to a report by Pueblo polic

One fine day, the day before Thanksgiving to be exact, I took a stroll through the local municipal golf course. Sunlight shone through a spotless azure sky, birds sang mellifluous tunes to coat the ether with dewy musical airs. Grass underfoot retained its verdant strains, while only a few brown blades spotted the undulating plains like a gracefully graying gentleman. Fall's scent of decaying leaves and earth wafted across the grounds as I pondered what possibilities lay waiting to be discovered. The first hole left a uneventful par on the score card, while the second hole was witness to a twenty-five foot, down-hill, right-to-left breaker for a spectacular par. A near hole-in-one on the third left the building crowd gasping and wondering what might have been if Riley had only judged the wind correctly. A horrible travesty of justice marred the fourth hole led by a ignominious three-putt. Then magic happened. The Golf Gods smiled on brave Riley. The years of dedication, hard work,

to be _________________________.

On the news that yet another priest had inappropriate contact with a child, I am forced to write about the hypocrites who claim moral high ground while they are philosophically bound to the criminals, creeps, and cretins who exploit children, ruin the environment, and destroy the last bastions of personal freedom in the name of conservative politics. The most awful part of this most unfunny joke is that the very people who should be raging to the defense of liberty are the same ones who tow the line for the new third Reich. People who are anti-union are at the height of being anti-American. All the dollars you spend at walmart might as well be spent on poison for the working class. Hours you spend on your ass in front of the TV are hours that keep the political power concentrated among a handful of families. Not caring about the vanishing of quality public education is tantamount to not caring about the past, present, or future, so long as you have your microwave, computer, and SUV. Th

My wife calls it Hobo Juice - she clearly is mistaken. It's Hobo Sauce, duh. Really, it is perfection in a glass; it is the warmth of Jesus and the grace of god; it is Love in liquid form and the delight of a thousand singing angels. It is red wine and coke. My old roomate turned me on to it when I lived in New York. Now most people are probably saying, "Eewww - gross," but that is to be expected from such small minds. One part coke to two parts red wine and ice if you want, then sit back and enjoy.

I'm back again - doin it to ya in yer eye holes - beeyatch! Here it is - get ready to steal my idea. Are you ready? I SAID GET FUCKING READY. Ok naw, here we go. First, take an ethnicity Then, add it to one of the following - a garden tool - a kitchen appliance - any common house hold item - there's more but this is good for now There you have it - the one that started it all was the Mexican Porch Swing, but now it has grown out of control - there's Cambodian Shoe Polish, the Scottish Coat Hanger , the Mongolian Bicycle Helmet, the Jamaican Ceiling Fan - ad naseum. For the social scientist in you - notice how the ethnicity changes the inherent quality of the item. For instance, anything Mexican sounds dirty or shoddy, anything German sounds mean, anything Norwegian or Swiss sounds useful and well designed. Jamaican things sound like drinks, Obscure things take on sexual connotation and some ethnicities are real items - take the Italian Cheese Grater - that shit cost me $35

People who actually label themselves " conservatives " need a punch in the throat. Sitting around the house, literally, because they're so fucking fat , watching NASCAR drivers waste gas by racing in a fucking circle, drinking Mountain Dew - or worse Busch - then complaining about Democrats is the direct cause of the demise of this great country. Cheering GW Bush on as he rapes the country and makes the world hate the US is not the way to secure our future. The part that makes me the most angry is that real issues are being ignored and trivial issues are being blown beyond reason. For instance - gay marriage; gays are tax payers, gays are tolerant of other people's views, gays don't kill a half million Iraqis; therefore, gays should get married all they want. Straight people get married and divorced as thoughtlessly as changing shoes - what's the BFD? Marriage is as about as sacred as using an ATM. Another false issue - Immigration . If you're against immi

Fuck is Old Dog New Crack Smoking Mexican Ballsweat Taster???????? Reveal yourself!

As fall's golden lumen ensconces the landscape, I find myself seeing things in a more somber tone. I have started to give up on Uncyclopedia in exchange for Bartleby . I think this is the beginning of something bigger. My own private writing is coming along nicely albeit very slowly. The realization that what I think of as hilarious other people find childish still bothers me only because it pains me to see people taking themselves too seriously (or seriously at all). It is good to laugh and have fun and make fun of things, people, and ideas. Sure, some things are serious, but at what point does one say, "I'm not laughing at that fart joke"? I ask students what defines them as individuals, and the usual answer is "personality," to which I respond, "Everyone has personality - even if it's stiff and boring." Then the thinking begins. Now, in defense of all things sacred. Golf is very serious - it is not a game. It is not a pastime, or a hobby, or

Faithful readers, My blog will no longer be a source of mindless pablum. I will endeavor to write serious pieces dealing with issues pertinent to the very souls of humanity. No more fart jokes, gone are the innumerable Uranus spiels, so long to Mr. Fuckyouman; make way for the polemic, chaste, beneficent, and noble. My first entry: The declining middle class in America and its effect on non-technology based economies of the rural Southwest. Just kidding; If I had a million dollars I'd buy a new ass - mine has a hole in it! checkmate fuckers

The same people who think Bush is doing a good job are the same ones that think evolution is "just a theory." Fuckin' tards . Anyway Catnip, Start here Also, I just so happen to be having a great week. Today I played the greatest outdoor game ever instead of going to school. Tomorrow, alas, I will teach, but then Thursday and Friday, back to the mutherfukin golf course - that's right baby, an overnight trip to Buena Vista and Salida. Hey man, is that Black Sabbath? Well turn it up!

I know I write about some dumb shit - like your anus - but the trip to Vegas was the shizznit. Most dorks don't know enough about music to listen to Tool, but the real mutherfukin rockers, punkers, G's and thugs know what the fuck I'm talkin'bout. Anyway, I went to the Hilton to see the StarTrek experience. Man, was that fucking weak ! Not one fucking Stormtrooper!! I want to see some Wookies or sumthin' but NOOOOOO. They didn't even say "nanoo nanoo" Fuckin' hillbillies. Aside from that, Vegas was cool. I lost a mimimal amount of money, saw some crazy shit and didn't puke - yea me! Will I go back, you're pondering. Hell ya. What happens in a dead bum's ass - stays in a dead bum's ass.

but fuck - this is so funny. If you don't know about uncyclopedia then you are basically wasting your life.

Wass'up Star Trek fans - take a break from arranging your Pokemon cards to read this: Scientists have discovered Klingons on Uranus.

Forgive me for inventing the "Blog." So many people (not me of course, or the bug, or some other people - but you know, most people ) have such shitty blogs that I now fear the wrath of a million sinning wannabe "writers" who think people give a fuck about what happened to them at the "Walmarts," or how their dog talks to flies, or overbearing spouses, or people who use too many commas. Now that my invention is completely out of control, I have to go around the world poking peoples' eyes out whilst simultaneously cutting off their fingers to prevent the further corruption of my invention . Please stand by for eye-poking-outing and finger-chopping-offing. If you don't see me in the next 48 hours, please cut your own fingers off, AFTER poking out your own eyes. Please people, this is important, if you cut your fingers off first, the poking of the eyes will be extremely difficult. Until then, there is a slight chance of redemption . If you must keep

It was so hot today - it was so hot today that I threw a ball in the yard and told Max, "go get it," and he looked and me and said, "F that crap," and went inside.

This past Saturday the sounds and sights of the Flaming Lips surrounded me. Waves of energy penetrated my ear holes and now I can say, "I"ve seen The Lips." Fuck Yeah - I was so sweet. The best venue, Red Rocks , was rockin' out to an awesome show that had Wayne in a giant bubble that went into the crowd, a dozen people dressed as Santa, a dozen people dressed as elves with martian masks on, all their roadies were dressed as super heros (the Flash, Thor, Wonder Woman, Captian America, and some other dude) - and as if it couldn't get any better... the last song of the night was War Pigs !!! Fuck, I just can't say fuck enough. And now - for the greatest saying "Fuck" moment yet - Get ready... OK... Are you ready... Sure now... I am going to see Tool in Fucking Las Fucking Vegas Oh Fuck Yes, yes, yes, yes!!!! That's right fools - the most humble chiconky in Colorado is going to Vegas to get my Tool on. In yo' face, bee-yatch!

See what I'm talkin bout?

A shot from my last hunting expedition.

More available

"Where did that Fly go?"

One day a fly flew in our house. "No big deal," thought Max, "I'll just go back to sleeping on the couch - where I'm not supposed to, he he he." Max underestimated the tenacity of Luke the fly. "Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Bzz Bz Bzzzzzzz," said Luke. "Quit it," replied Max. "Bzzzzzzzzzzzzz!" "That's it, now I'm going to eat you!" Max growled. THe chase began in the living room, under the dining table, and into the kitchen. Luke was wily and showed some great moves. Max's jaws snapped with ferocious alacrity. Soon Luke made his way to the laundry room. Max gave chase. "Now I've got you," thought Max running in a wide circle, "there he is." Luke flew straight, then a hard left and down. Max found himself staring right into Molly's dish of food. "Crap, I've been tricked - this fly was just trying to get me in trouble." Enter Molly. "I frikken knew it, you bastard,&qu

Rise, if you can to Fight if you will for the love of all things true and pure Resist Refuse Create

Growin the goat till I show you the goat

The feeling of the cold steel in the palm of my hand, the grit of the dirt, and the weight of the blade make throwing knives one of my favorite activities. I recently fashioned a target out of cardboard boxes. My old target was the picnic table standing on end. THe problem with that is the larger knives would really chew up the 2x4's and I didn't want to ruing the table that much. THe wood was hard on the knives too, bending blades banana style. Now I can throw freely and still get good sticks. Oh yeah, remind me to write about my ninja moment. Ok, before I stop, I must say that everyone should start thinking about protecting themselves against rival ninja gangs by learning to throw knives. You never know when you'll find yourself in a situation and say, "Fuck, if I could only throw this knife I could save humanity."

After many, many requests (okay - one) I have decided to publish a picture of myself. So, enjoy!

These are some pictures I took. I hope you enjoy them, whoever you are.

Chess, as anyone with a brain knows, is the only board game that matters. Dumb people can't play chess (much like golf), which makes it all the more challenging because at times, I feel as though I can't play and I say, "Oh shit, I'm turning dumb." So the point of this is to explain the best excuse ever for losing a game of chess. I don't just mean a good excuse, or a funny excuse, I mean the best excuse (read: reason) for losing at chess ever crafted in the known universe. Are you ready? I lost at chess because the sun was in my eyes! Special thanks to K.S. for that gem.

Dear Bad Driver, Green means go! You hotdog-eating, non-toenail-clipping wretch, the person you're talking to doesn't care what shoes you looked at whilst at the mall, you need to get off the phone. Cretin, because your car can go 80 doesn't mean that's how fast you should drive. Imbecile, wherever it is you're going to spend the remnants of the money you got from pawning your mom's favorite watch isn't more important than where I'm going, so please stop running red lights. There is a special place in hell reserved for you as you flick your smoked, but still burning menthol out'chor window. Sincerely, Riley

but who knows how soon

I love the motherfuckin' flea market. The thing about being able to buy some stranger's sister's graduation on VHS is pretty wild. The experience goes beyond sifting through all the crap; the clientele (me included, for I rarely shower before going, or comb my hair, or brush my teeth) is just as entertaining as the junk. It's way better than the WalMart at three in the morning - those people are just fuckin' crazy - but the flea market - those are the ones looking for something specific, like a broken typewriter. Those are the one's who consider the flea market an event, like going to the movies or visiting a relative whose shit you can sort through and practically steal. One more thing is the crazy fuckers who sell shit at the FM. I love looking at a total piece of trash with a $20 price tag on it. Then they say some shit like, " I can sell it eBay for at least that much." Like they even have a computer at home! To a lesser extent, yard sales hold a s

Hi there homos, (sapiens) I am here to tell you about one of my greatest rounds of golf ever. It all started on Monday morning. I was up early in anticipation. I knew I needed to be sharp and commit to my primary objective - be a good coach to the team. Getting the team to the course on time and in one piece was top priority. The weather was cooperative in the morning. Over the Eastern plain, the sun rose with a fiery orange glow. Under foot, the grass was crisp and dry, but it still had enough green in it to play well and not give too tight of a lie in the fairway. We had a great warm up and were feeling relaxed before the start of the tourney. Once the girls were off, the coaches got to their tee boxes and teed off. I began on #14, a short par three reaching 166 yards guarded by bunkers on the right. A pulled eight iron put me on the left side facing a lengthy birdie putt. Leaving my first putt woefully short, my second broke hard right and I three jacked my way to bogey. Same for th

If you really want to make me happy give me an old typewriter.

I had a good time - at least that's what it said on my forehead in the morning.

The movie musical. It is so funny; the scene with Jesus - "Take a hit of GOD instead, you think you can handle the high?" I guess it helps to love musicals, for me though, that's what I call entertainment - acting singing and dancing. This explains why I detest Hollywood, the majority of those chumps, those merchants of mediocrity, those purveyors of putridity, those venders of vetch, those - you get the idea - have none of said talents. Where was I? Oh yeah, reefer. The original movie is on the dvd special features, that shit is crazy. The most crazy because it is real. Thanks to W. R. Hearst, mary jane is verboten but you can drink yourself to death any day of the week. P.S. The last post was a bit out there, but damit, I was mad. Maybe I'll write about it later. Until then, keep your one iron in the bag.

The scientific community held its breath as renowned theorist Riley released his findings today. "I'm very excited about it," Riley commented, "the world has waited long enough." The Turd Discrepancy is as simple as it is beautiful. Basically, the Turd Discrepancy settles the mystery of sitting on the pot feeling that a very large turd has been produced when actually the turd is quite small, often the size of a chicken nugget. The reverse is also solved when the feeling of a teeny-turd results in having to get a coat hanger to chop it up, also know as the "double-flusher." Although Riley would not go into specific details about how the theory works, he did say this has been several years in the making. "All I wanted was an explanation," Riley averred.

Finding the inspiration shouldn't be the hard part, but it is. These days fly by and I hardly have time to blink. The time conspiracy is gaining momentum and it appears to be catching people completely off guard. "Take it easy and see if you miss anything," Max calmly drawls. "That's easy for you to say, you're a dog. What do you know about getting up early and going to work?" Riley says. Max smiles big now, he knows he pulled Riley's chain. Max senses the advantage with, "What are you even working for?" "You don't own your possessions - they own you." Riley also has a grin now, "Max, I think you've watched Fight Club too many times." "Riley, you could have been a dirt farmer in Peru, what happened to your inner hobo?" Max points out. "I like being clean too much to take that path, and eating, I really like good food," Riley retorts, "and I'm a golf addict - that shit's expensive.

A sign hangs in my window stating, "kids don't care how much you know until they know how much you care." The other day two seniors were pointing at the sign and laughing. I know it's not cool to care too much about anything when you're in high school, but the whole scene left me thinking about all the people I hear on a daily basis exclaiming, "Oh, I don't care about _________." It's the apathy, stupid. The deeper gears of my brain link this feeling of not giving a shit to the reasons that a great county like the United States is nosediving into a ruthless capitalist society where merit, justice, and talent lose to nepotism, cronyism, and bureaucracy. Not to oversimplify, but when smart people start losing out to an idiot with friends in high places everyone suffers - think Brown formerly of FEMA shame. So what? So let's start caring again. Care about everything from politics to people.