reprint from the funniest writer ever

Is That Mistletoe in Your Pocket?

December’s scene for singles can really suck the everlasting life out of a solo cholo. It changes like the weather though, so stay optimistic. Rest assured, you won’t always be lonely because plenty of babes will be Ho Ho Ho-ing around at Christmas parties. Check for these factors to see if Yule be jolly this season, or just end up with a red nose.

1. Ye liveth in yon olde Married Lame Couple town. Every house party, get together, or other organized event you go to is mobbed with cute couples holding hands while you gaze into you red wine alone. Now Rico isn’t hip on baggin some married broad because it’s a good way to get shot. So what to do? Make like a tree and book it to a local coffee shop. Coffee smells good and the cool ones are inviting enough to hang out there alone without feeling like you have a third arm growing out of your head. (No offense) Also, it could be worth joining the chess club to get a feel for being single until the party season blows over.

2. You’re a Bah Humbug. Forget it, nothing is worth the agony of holiday parties while you pretend to be happy for people who found that special someone and are now getting married and having a kid – barf. Unfortunately your only hope for this condition is to find someone who is as big a Scrooge as you, which might not be too hard if you typically meet people smoking outside bars at 2am discussing the finer inventions of MacGyver.

3. You’re always at a sausage party. Although there’s more nuts than squirrel heaven, this one doesn’t suck too bad because you can just drink and grunt to each other without worrying if you’re hurting someone’s feelings. Still, you could do better. The obvious answer is some co-ed partying, but how will you know where it be? You better ask somebody. Word, just asking where people are going later will usually, get you to where all Santa’s lil’ helpers are tearing it up.

4. You’re broke as a joke. That’s not funny. December is usually too cold to enjoy the free outdoors, so now what? Try the library. Aside from the fact that it’s full of books you’ve never read, (you are broke, prolly shoulda read a book on making money) it’s free. While you’re there check out a book on dating too. Rico is a fan of research. Either way, your odds are not too good for hooking up with someone whilst you peruse the free DVD section. But you never know, someone could like I, Robot just as much as you.

5. Jackpot – a holiday party with hot single people. Look around and relish the moment. This is the mother load my friend! It doesn’t get any better (unless it’s a holiday wedding – but that’s another story). Manna dipped in ambrosia wrapped in bacon pales in comparison to what’s in store if you can keep it together. Before we go any further – did you bring a gift? This is a must. Pick a bottle of tequila, or some wine, or at least sixer of PBR to bring as a gift for the host of such a monumental evening. It’s the proper thing to do and you will looks like an ass if you don’t. You should look good and smell good – no excuses. Think of your best (read cute and sappy) puppy story to tell, and stay near the booze. Absolutely do not get drunk. I’ve seen many a potential encounters ruined by being a drunken ass. Breaking things, fighting, and puking are sure ways to remain single. You will also want to avoid drunk girls. I know this sounds like the opposite of what you were looking for, but the consequences of a drunk girl can far outlast the hook up you barely remember. Unless it’s a dinner party, eat before you so you don’t look like a pig with cheese crumbs smeared in your snowman sweater. If you follow these guidelines, these words to live by, then you should end up showing someone your North Pole by the end of the night.